What is it that they say about marriage? Well, there is a Chinese saying that “Marriage is the tomb of love.” Like, literally love goes there to die. Yeah, okay that wasn’t the phrase I was looking for. One other phrase comes to mind: “Marriage is sex on tap.”
Fortunately, and unfortunately, neither saying is really accurate. Married couples don’t have completely zero love or affection for each other, but they’re also not doing it like bunnies all night, every night. (If you are, good for you, stop reading this article lol!)
But love – even strong, unbreakable “You’re my soulmate and I’ve got your back forever” kinda love – doesn’t always translate automatically into mindblowing fuckyfuckytime.
But no worries, whether it’s been a while since you’ve got hot and steamy between the sheets, or whether your sex life has become a little lack lustered by routine, work, chores and, in other words, ADULTING, I got you. Here are 7 tips for wild, crazy, hot sex for married couples… tried and tested. I wouldn’t recommend something I haven’t personally tried!
Disclaimer: Do not read this article if you are squirmish about the topic of sex which is completely normal between a married couple. Unless you’re a tween, in which case, stop reading this immediately!
1) Date night
Google anything related to keeping the sparks in your marriage alive, and every article is going to suggest making sure that you’re scheduling regular date nights. I couldn’t agree more!
My husband and I didn’t take this seriously before, and it really felt like we were so distant and disconnected, like two people living our own lives within the same sphere of activity, but never really together. We were on such opposite paths, we felt like we were heading inevitably towards a divorce. It felt like there was no way to bridge that chasm between us at all.
Who knew that something as simple as date nights would CHANGE all that completely?! It isn’t even important what you do on the date, just that you spend time together. Have the rule: No phones allowed. (Okay, phones are allowed for porn and filming if you so desire.)
Wear your flirtiest LBD, get yourself dolled up, nails done, strut your stuff like you mean it. (Not saying you have to, I do.) I’m a stay-at-home-mom, I don’t get very many chances to look pretty and FEEL pretty. I love it that I can look my best on date night and feel like I’m trying to seduce my man. A little drinking, a little dancing, a little touching… Who knows where the night may lead? 😉
2) Moonlight walks
Don’t have time for a full-on date night, or your babysitter can only do a few hours so you can’t get a whole night off? No problemo. My husband and I have started this thing where we go on a moonlight walk. All you need is each other, an optional dog, the right walking shoes, and the moon. Wait, actually you don’t really need the moon, darkness is perfectly fine too.
It’s become something we really look forward to, so much so my husband even looks forward the entire week to weekend so that we can take a walk. TAKE A WALK! I mean, it sounds so silly and so unexpected! But Dean Martin wasn’t kidding – “When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore… When the world seems to shine like you’ve had too much wine, that’s amore…”
On our walk, we’re relaxed, we’re easygoing, we can actually have a proper conversation with each other, we can even get into difficult topics that we otherwise can’t talk about without reacting defensively or that would usually end in a fight. Suddenly, we’re so much more open, and relaxed, and calm, and we’re reminded that we’re just two people trying to do what’s right and good for our family – that we’re a team. It’s magic what moonlight can do, I tell you. (Moonlight kisses are also VERY ROMANTIC!)
3) Do something really nice for each other
My husband is not a very expressive person usually, but sometimes he does really nice things for no other reason than for me. Like letting me sleep in, giving me a shoulder massage, combing my hair (gawd I love this!)… And sometimes he goes all out and whips up my favourite dishes or comes up with his own creative culinary creations.
Just today Facebook reminded me of something he cooked specially for me once and it made me so awwwwwwww and I felt all these positive and loving feelings swell up in me again. And that’s just from a reminder of something he did years ago!!
I don’t really know what my love languages (according to Gary Chapman) precisely are – I seem to like all of them! – but there’s something about my man doing an act of service just for me, and gifting me something specially for me, that makes me feel loved!
I don’t want to stereotype that all women need to feel emotionally connected in order to even begin thinking about a physical connection, but I do fall into this category. If you do too, make sure your other half knows it, so they can prepare a wonderful evening for the both of you by doing something special!
What do I do that’s really nice for my husband? Oh, I have tits. The end. LOL ?
4) Take care of yourself
This one is probably some psychology at play, but when I feel clean, content, and confident, I can feel more sexy about myself. What this means for me: Taking a shower (yes, there are days even showering is hard, hello depression!), putting some effort into my skincare routine, taking all my meds every single day, some downstairs grooming, that kinda thing.
And it seems to be a self-care-self-love cycle, because when I pay attention to self-care, I feel deserving and lovable, which then makes me feel like I should take better care of myself, because I am deserving and lovable.
So take the time and effort to take care of you first. Let yourself feel confident and sexy. Tell yourself that you are deserving, you are worthy, and you are lovable – and very fuckable.
5) Be honest
Having an authentic sex life can completely turn things around.
Depending on our childhood, we might have had a certain impression of what sex is “supposed” to be. Porn doesn’t help things, of course. It makes it so much about the male ejaculation while women just have to be subservient – and many people do grow up thinking this is “sex”.
I’ve heard of so many women having to “fake” their orgasms, even in a serious relationship, and all I can think of is… WHY? Why do we still think that doing the horizontal tango is all about HIS pleasure, and not OURS? We’re in 2021, is “orgasm equality” not yet a thing? Why can’t we be honest about what we like and what we don’t?
I’ll be completely buttnaked honest here, I used to think that having coitus was something a wife had to do, a “wifely duty.” Don’t ask me why, I blame traditional messaging where “men are typically taught sex [is] about pleasure,” while women are taught that sex is “something you’ll eventually have to do to make your husband happy and have babies.” Because of that, I felt obligated, and I never dared speak up.
Blogger Erica Moore feels the same. She says, “It’s important to set sexual boundaries for yourself, and not allow anyone to push or bully you into crossing them. On many occasions I’ve crossed my sexual boundaries and done things that I didn’t really want to do to please a man. I didn’t get any pleasure or satisfaction out of doing these things. And I felt dirty and used after. I never want to feel this way again.”
Uh, hello, been there, done that, I know exactly how that feels. Thankfully, something about the intimacy I now share with my husband made me realise that I need to be 100% honest. Now I love the way I get to forthrightly and unashamedly say what I don’t like/want/care for, and when my husband commends me for speaking my mind.
Having such an open communication definitely helps the other way too – when it comes to sharing with each other your secret fantasies – without fear of being judged!
6) Role play
Speaking of which, you knew this was coming.
See, “desire in long-term relationships involves two needs… On the one hand, we need security, safety, familiarity and predictability. But we also need adventure, unpredictability, mystery and surprise.”
We all have different fantasies that we might keep bottled inside of us. Perhaps some of them will always stay but fantasies; they might be things we would never actually act on in life, especially if they involve cheating, for example. But that’s where a little role play never hurt nobody.
Letting go of your inhibitions with your partner can really reignite that spark that was forgotten, plus it can also really draw the two of you much closer together.
7) Alcohol and drugs
“Alcohol and many drugs reduce inhibitions which can lead to increased sexual behaviors.”
Wow, you don’t say! That’s kinda why it works for amazing sex. The thing about alcohol though, is you really have to watch your limits. Too much, and you’re wasted. And that’s not going to be fun. You don’t want to be the title of this song.
Ideally, you’d want to be tipsy – that’s when it’s the most fun. The problem with tipsy sex is that it feels so damn good, you’ll find yourself trying to chase that high time and time again. And that’s when it can spiral into a drinking problem.
So, a little bit of drinking every now and then is great, just let yourself go and enjoy it and have a blast.
When it comes to drugs, it depends on if you’re for it or not, and what’s allowed in your particular area. I think the world is finally catching up to realise that drugs like cannabis sativa and methamphetamine (yes, meth) can actually have a positive effect on your health.
Sex on drugs can be incredibly world-shattering thanks to the increased sensitivity and sexual arousal, but the one thing you want to be careful about is not to fall into the trap of becoming addicted to that “sex on a high” feeling that you can no longer connect with your partner without the use of drugs.
Sex is such an important part of a relationship and a marriage, it makes sense to put aside time especially to fan the fires of desire and passion.
Can you get at it like you’ve just met each other in a bar and don’t know where the night will lead? Yeah, I think so, it just calls for a little role playing on date night.
So call that babysitter already, and put it in the calendar. Have something you both can look forward to. God knows you both deserve a night off to just be yourselves… and get crazy!
Have fun, you two! Also, get a room. ?